Today has started with many heavy tears. The waves of grief are flooding in and it hurts. Bad.
I started packing away my Christmas decorations which always makes me a little sad. The final confirmation that Christmas is in fact over until next year. But this one hurt more. I carefully was wrapping all if my cardinal ornaments, one by one....and it started to feel like I was packing away Avery. Christmas can be hard for so many on this grief journey, but for me this year it was almost magical the way all Avery's symbols covered my home. Now that they are put away, I feel empty.
I bought a nice box to keep some of the extra special gifts from fellow angel moms in and my intention was to transfer some things from the "nursery" closet into this box too. In this empty room is a closet that Avery's stuff still sits. Never used. Never touched by my baby. His first outfit I bought him. His room decor, still in bags. And his teddy with the most important thing I could still have...his heart beat sound. I accidentally moved the bag it was in and his little heart beat started playing. Whoosh whoosh whoosh. I burst into tears.
This picture has never been shared. A 3D image of my heart and soul. My little angel, safe in my womb. I miss him so much it's crushing. I wish he was here. :( ttc, a year and a half too long is starting to feel like an eternity. No single part of this will ever be fair.