I am going on an adventure, and I am doing it…alone.
Things in life are always shifting. You get glimpses of good, and bad, mundane and incredible. But in your day to day activities, do you ever stop and ask yourself…is there more?If you have, then you and I currently have something in common. Months back I took an exhale and asked myself that question. What is next? Deep inhale. Well, I don’t know what is next. That is like going to, let’s say, Google and asking a question for it to then reply…I’m sorry…I don’t know.That sort of thing just isn’t unacceptable in this modern era we thrive on, so I am not entirely sure why I let myself feel that way for so long. I believe as humans we often forget to seek out the things we truly want. We get conditioned and go on the straight and narrow (at least for most) and do “what we can” to make a “living”. But I ask you before we go any further if what you are doing right now “living”. Are you? Ask again. Are you?
Me to self: No.
So, I am going on a trip…an adventure, and I am doing it alone.
“Men frequently say to me, “I should think you would feel lonesome down there, and want to be nearer to folks, rainy and snowy days and nights especially.” I am tempted to reply to such — This whole earth which we inhabit is but a point in space. How far apart, think you, dwell the two most distant inhabitants of yonder star, the breadth of whose disk cannot be appreciated by our instruments? Why should I feel lonely? is not our planet in the Milky Way?”-Henry David Thoreau
At some point we all seek solitude. You had a hard day at work…and you simply want quiet, right? That is your soul telling you it needs to decompress and to break the chain of monotony. For me, I am seeking solitude right now. I need to feel what it is like to truly be alone, and to have only myself to rely on. Quiet time is very important. It slows the mind from overstimulation and allows us to focus. And that focus for me will be on myself, my growth, my path and the things that have happened in my life so far to bring me to this pivotal point of discovery.
Comfort with just myself
For me, as an individual, I often feel my most creative and empowered when I am alone. I am an artist. A self-taught artist in many forms. Some call me a painter or a poet, a crafter, chef or writer. But in these moments, I am a creator. Not stuck to any one genre but to be fluid with art and allow it to flow within me as freely as I can. And I am comfortable with that. When I am enjoying solitude outdoors I feel a divine sense of spiritual connection to Earth. I see beauty in the smallest of forms, from intricately formed flowers to insects and of course, my cardinal angel baby. I have always been drawn to nature. When I was a little girl one of my most favorite things to do was climb a willow tree and made wreaths from the fallen branches. I would hang the wreaths onto the tree and thank it for being so beautiful. It is no wonder I feel just the most wonderful rush when I am capturing its essence in my own company.
I am also compelled to learn astrophotography and what better place than the starry sky-scape of Arizona and the incredible red rock formations.
Planning for my future
No, I am not going to return with some sudden need to start investing in my 401k retirement. This trip is going to plan my future steps in my life and spiritual growth. In full transparency of my truths, the last few years have tested me in ways that some may never encounter. I’m starting to realize that my future is what I do in these moments. And a part of me hopes in some ways that this trip sets my wings on fire to be what I know in my heart is fully possible. I am the girl who lost a child and works in a regular 9-5 job while ticking away to the explosion that is bound to ignite. And, I already know this. In some ways I am already aware that I am going to make waves. I am just that girl.
Since losing Avery, my first and only child, I have screamed from the social media platforms of my loss. Of the shear pain. And of my constant struggles. Well, in my future I am writing a story that doesn’t stop short. Yes, what happened to me is horrible. And, it will happen to others. Most likely to someone I care for. What I wrote in my future is this:
Be there for others. This hurts you to see others like this, to feel the loss and grief you feel. But, you can help, Tara. You know this path…now help guide others.
My future looks bright. I see Avery’s Treehouse. I see the beautiful full landscape with plants. Little plaques that describe the plant and what they symbolizes in grief. I see small meditation teepees with blankets I knit by hand to keep the grieving feeling comforted by touch. I smell essential oils mixing with the dancing flowers. I envision a larger home or bed and breakfast where I host creative grief workshops. There are tears…many of them, but smiles…many, many smiles. I see birdhouses for hummingbirds and my sweet cardinal angel. Butterflies and dragonflies are everywhere and I inhale right now as I think…this is… Avery’s Garden. And he is everywhere in this place where my art flows. My treehouse will be the focal point. A place to retreat for many who endure loss. And my art, well it is everywhere. At night there are sparkling café lights and candles and on occasion an outdoor dinner party to celebrate my son. And to remember those we have collectively loved and lost in my tribe.
Yearly goal setting
One thing I read a lot and hear is this… “travel as much as you can”. I think for a long time I have been complacent in my life. I am getting by doing things to make a paycheck, but I am not experiencing all I can. And I know this because my body often feels bored and tired. Tired because there are not things happening that are exciting me to my core values. My spirit is a wild one and I can no longer deny it the adventures I so often want to feel. So, yearly goals are being set. I know within this year is the promising hope of personal growth and that is all I can ask for at times. I have felt for so long that I have just waited for things to happen. I waited to get pregnant, waiting for my grief to end, waited for my rainbow baby who never came, waited for my Non-profit approval (and still hoping for that), waited for people in my life to come around…the list goes on and on. Some of these things are out of my control, while others I am fully capable of doing. So, I choose to take the things that I can accomplish and running full speed towards them.
Won’t you feel lonely?
Loneliness is but a negative state of mind marked by the endless feeling of isolation. How would I know the difference? Well, because I lost a child and every way since then, has been adorn with some form of desperate isolation and grief stricken loneliness. There is a big difference in being alone and lonely. There is a chance that at times maybe I will feel a little lonely, but then my lesson is to appreciate my company better. But I don’t think that I will feel isolation in my adventure. I imagine a sense of freedom to explore on my terms. And that is important to anyone.
Solitude provides peaceful creativity and reflection
When I am on my adventure I plan on writing. I am currently sitting with two ideas for books that I plan on starting during this time. One is a grief assistance book for bereaved families and the second is a children’s book. I am extremely excited about both of them and look forward to the quiet Arizona air that will inspire me. I will be able to reflect on my life so far and carefully plan out the things that come next for me. My ideas, turning into goals and goals turning into a reality. I need to take these steps for myself, because I deserve it.
I will be able to manifest the next part of my story
I have been researching self-care and development for a long time now. I have started to understand the ideas behind manifesting your own destiny and I have also determined that I can apply myself in such a way to make my dreams happen. Avery’s Garden started one night when I was sad and wanted to draw for my son. It blossomed into a beautiful following, website, self-taught illustrator skills and self-taught book publishing. To date, I have 5 published coloring books. In retrospect, this happened because I wanted it to. Now, it is time to go bigger…my potential and possibilities have only just begun.
In closing, I am going on an adventure. By myself, to find myself again. I hope to gain new strengths, new inspiration and the will to continue to fight for my dreams.