Happy 3rd Birthday to my Angel

At 3:37am on June 17, 2016, Avery Robert Denz came into this world. He was born still and would never take a single breath next to me. I am sitting in my grief this morning recalling back to the moments leading up to what happened. And in the end what I can tell you for sure is that life has never been the same since.

Avery changed me in so many ways. His life bringing forward a passion inside of me that is determined to pay his life forward.

This year for Avery's 3rd birthday milestone, I started off planting a few new flowers in his outdoor garden.

Lights to guide the angels as they dance.

His angel repositioned next to his plaque.

I then moved to my next way to process his birthday which was by working day and night to process Volume 8 in the Avery's Garden Coloring Books series. Wish Upon an Elephant was completed in an elephant theme and is different from any other book I have done before. Why? Because grief needs to include growth. And this volume I can honestly say has so much valuable information for grieving families.

I came up with creative grieving prompts/activities throughout the book and spent time tailoring it with useful tools and personal poems. I sat back reviewing the book one night with my husband who looked over the pages with me as I sobbed after a horrible day at work. He looked up at the end and said "This is really good. This feels really personal."

And the reality is, every book is personal because a part of my heart goes into every single thing I do for my sweet boy.

Publishing books always is unique in my journey. On one side I sit in grief that my baby is gone and that all of his other angel friends are loved and missed dearly. Publishing books also allows me to escape my reality and focus on a task that I can control in a world that is often not in my control. But then they also allow me to continue living alongside Avery's story. Our stories. And it is an invaluable experience to be able to do that. To continue connecting with families and other angels in real time, in real life, all working for the common goal of honoring our children.

At 3:37am on June 17, 2016, Avery came into this world.

At 3:37am on June 17, 2019, Volume 8: Wish Upon an Elephant was published into this world.

Next, for Avery's birthday I decided to finally get a tattoo I have been wanting for a while. A piece that speaks to my guardian. Here is the outline for what will be an incredible memorial tattoo.

Avery's cardinal amongst his garden on my left front forearm.

My brother-in-law is working on this piece for me and I am so privileged to have custom artwork he drew for me from my collaborated vision. To have the gift of art from someone else fills my heart with so much love and gratitude. He also surprised me with the final plaque to finish my family wall decor.

The artist, the architect and the angel. My family. ❤

So, Father's Day came and so did the flashbacks to three years ago when we would spend our first Father's Day picking out Avery's urn. I had been feeling pretty unorganized yesterday until I received an angel sign that would help give me strength.

A grey feather in Avery's Garden symbolizes peace and neutrality.

These reminders during difficult times is such a comfort and my heart continues to ease knowing that Avery is near.

My night ended with a gift from my mother. She has been hunting for something very special that she knew I was yearning for. I received two very special birdhouses that are really rare and hard to find in our hometown area.

And she even had an ornament customized for Avery's birthday. Of course I burst into tears and was so thankful for these treasures.

In closing, Avery's birthday is here. Three years of wishing that my life would have been different when my son was brought into this world. But then there is the undeniable truth that his life has reshaped me completely. In 2019, Avery's Garden became a 501c3 Nonprofit. So far we have published 2 coloring books this year and his life continues to rewrite my journey. We continue to honor angels, one at a time, and work with others to build their strength. We have also begun grant writing and some day soon hope to fund our treehouse retreat for bereaved families.

I've learned after three years that grief can come in like a hurricane and during the waves I need to brace myself, handle the storm and regain my footing. I will always have those moments because, well, he's not here. But I am capable of allowing love to prevail and to continue writing Avery's story even now that he's "gone". Because truly he is only gone in the physical sense of the word...but very much lives through the continued beats of my heart.

Happy 3rd birthday Avery. You are my angel, my baby and my muse and I love you so so much.

😇❤

4:44 this post is finished. "Angel numbers are messages from our guardian angels that provide guidance and encouragement as we pursue our interests and passions.

Your guardian angels are loving, caring beings that want to help you achieve your goals as long as they are in alignment with your best interests. There are the 4 'cardinal' directions, the 4 primal elements (earth, water, air, and fire)."