How I Survived My Son's 3rd Angel Birthday

I sat outside on my deck. Avery's birthday, husband beside me, looking over the newly mulch covered garden for our son. It's hard to put into perspective at times that it has been 3 whole years since Avery grew his wings. But there we were. Our third milestone as bereaved parents to our only baby. 

At first I was alone on the deck, resting from the work I had just put in to Avery's Garden. He had a few plants that I needed to tie back, reposition others and I scattered my cedar mulch all around.  I was content, unusually content for it being such an important date to me. And I sat thinking long and hard about how it was that I survived the day.

I want to share my thoughts about his 3rd birthday and the growth that brought me to this peaceful evening amongst his flowers.

Set Standards

So, from time to time you may have heard the expression "Set Standards". God my standards for Avery's birthday are always set high. I can remember year 1. Vivid. Raw. I was grieving the first birthday of my deceased son while l while sitting in the pews for my brother's wedding. My standards for year one? Survive. Don't ask questions. Don't look. Don't do anything but exist. Set your standards to blend. Don't look too distraught. I set personal standards to just take the day as best I could.

Leading up to Avery's first birthday was bad. I was in therapy once or twice a week and was a wreck because I didn't understand my standards yet. A part of me didn't know what was going to happen. Would I break down? Would I cry all day? Was it going to kill me? But then I woke up and it was year two. Somehow I survived the 1st birthday. But it was a blur. How did I do it?

My second birthday milestone for Avery, I was chasing expectations still. Chasing for Avery's birthday to mean something to others, for him to be recognized. My standards still painting a picture of how I wanted others to react. Year two we were counting down the pregnancy of my sister who would end up having my niece 4 days after Avery's 2nd birthday. My standards? Still focusing a lot on external factors and other people. Still wishing Avery was memorialized with me, as strongly as I was chasing...never really making my heart feel whole. So I reevaluated my standards for year three. 

Avery's 3rd birthday. My standards? Don't blend your expectations of others into your own personal standards and journey. So I stopped. Why? Because my expectations of others have nothing to do with what I choose to do to honor my son. I needed to readjust my focus and understand that others are going to choose how they recognize or don't recognize my angel. Some will plain ignore his birthday. Some will forget. Some won't know what to do. I may never understand why they do this, it may always sting, but it is not my responsibility to make others feel for my baby. And it is not my responsibility to teach others about the honor and humility it takes to parent an angel. Those who never experience it...just won't understand. All I can do is worry about myself. Even selfishly if I need to. So... I did! I parked my standards for others in my rear view and walked through Avery's birthday with him beside me.  

  Leaving Expectations Off The Table 

So how do we do this? How do we leave our expectations for others off the table? Doesn't it hurt when you feel alone? The truth is, I am laser focused on my son 24/7. My entire life has become about raising awareness and following my passion for angels. This isn't everyone's dream. This isn't everyone else's reality. This is mine. And for me, chasing expectations of how I think other's should feel next to my power ends up hurting more when I am disappointed. I can't do that anymore. My standards and expectations are mine and mine alone to meet. And I hold the keys to living fulfilled during the milestones of Avery's life.  

Deadlines

I prepared, prepared, prepared.

Anticipatory grief: anticipatory grief involves mental, emotional, cultural, and social responses. It can involve symptoms of depression, increased concern for the angel, and emotional preparation from the death. 

My therapist once said that recognizing a date as it comes closer is one of the things we can do to better handle the milestones that are difficult. So I did that. In a way I anticipated Avery's birthday through a deadline I set for myself to publish his next coloring book. It was my way to understand and process his birthday in alignment with something grand I could use to honor his birthday. And I did things for my son that were special to MY heart. I woke up at 330 on a work morning to publish his book at 337, his birth time on his birthday. I anticipated that it would feel good to me to have a special time stamp on his special day. And leading up to Avery's birthday I made appointments to do things like get a memorial tattoo to commemorate his day because I needed that. 

Celebrated

And so I celebrated. I reached out to my fellow tribe to celebrate my son. I passed out birthday favors in the form of free complimentary coloring book and creative grief journals, I published his book, got my tattoo and drew him something incredible for his day. I talked about him throughout the day. Opened myself up to receiving whatever recognition for Avery others wanted to do...but I did so without precaution expectations.  

Winged It A Bit

And lastly, I winged it a little. On my way home I decided to stop at a hardware store, buy the mulch I had been asking someone else to buy for weeks, planted a few flowers and got back to nature in Avery's Garden. Because at the end of the day, that is were I feel comfort. Among his flowers. 

As you know, there is no rule book in grief. Next year might look different...and in some ways I hope it does. I survived milestone 3...and I did it by looking inward and keeping Avery in my focus.