Depression and Anxiety:A view from my window

ArtbyLadyViktoria on Etsy.

Yesterday I watched a fascinating Ted Talk that covered the topic of depression and anxiety as it is sweeping across the world. It is no secret that in the recent years, and in the dawn of public scrutinized suicides, that mental health and overall mental wellness has gotten the attention of many people. There are those, myself included, that now try to advocate and urge others to refuel. And there is a stronger connection to self care. But is it working?

I have struggled for many years trying to understand myself and exactly why it seems like I have been traveling down this road of depression even well before I lost a child. Since my late teens, I have experimented with all kinds of remedies. After seeing a doctor, I was put on Zoloft to try and curb my feelings of sadness and isolation. And as I got older that prescription would change in dosage and eventually get replaced by another pill. After my son died I was prescribed Celexa which I have been reluctantly on for three years. This would be one of roughly a dozen I have tried, being well aware that no magic pill would rid me completely from what I was suffering from. But, because of my understanding of modern medicine I had two choices to deal with my problems: counseling and pills.

So, as an adult, I have numbed myself with all kinds of tricks. These are what are referred to as coping mechanisms.

⭐There are the food numbing days when everything is just feeling like despair that I reach for the chocolate and comfort foods.

⭐The days that can turn into weeks of numbing by falling into a tv induced show hole that I can binge on.

⭐The days when I am anxiety ridden and decide that a trip for retail therapy will help. Numbing my emotions with new clothes and a temporary boost in self esteem.

⭐There are the nights I have numbed with alcohol…because…well…I don’t want to deal with reality and alcohol takes that away. And it isn’t until the next morning when I realize that the pain is still there and now I am hungover that even deeper depression settles in.

⭐There are the days when I feel spontaneous. That instant need to travel or go on an adventure starts to plague me…and the feelings of escape seem well within my means.

But, as Brene Brown says, you can not selectively numb your emotions.

So why doesn't this work? Why does this happen to me…but also to millions of others?

After losing my son, I have been on an emotional journey or self discovery. I needed to understand how in the world I was going to make it through such a traumatic experience. Clearly, none of the above mentioned self-numbing quick fixes were going to work, so I needed to find out how I could help myself. But it wasn’t just about the loss. This was about so much more. And after years I think I finally understand that it is from my loss that I truly found myself.

To give you a quick background of my life, I always battled with certain factors of my story. I am the oldest of two other siblings, and the first child from my mother's previous marriage. My biological father was never in the picture on a permanent basis and my stepfather would be the man who grew to be the only father I knew. I sometimes felt a sense that I didn't belong. Being the odd one out of the equation that was only from years and years of stories I told myself and not from the actions of my family. I often felt discarded, disappointed and unloved in the temporary glimpses when my biological father would want to make an appearance but then never show up. In my teens and early adulthood I had a few semi-serious boyfriends, live together, break up, move on and repeat the cycle. And at times lived alone in my apartments. Feeling casted away in isolation and very much alone. I finally met a man who would become my husband and we would later purchase our first home. We just celebrated our 10 year milestone together. My careers were always unfulfilling in the banking industry. I did the job for a paycheck but the need for something more was always deep within my heart. I would have a few self-starter side hustles thinking it would ignite my passion, but nothing ever stuck there either. A few years into our marriage we got pregnant and losing our first and only son at 5-months gestation.

<3-year pause…because life kind of stopped>.

In my need for self discovery, I was determined to do something that I was passionate about and I am please to have started my own 501c3 Nonprofit Organization. And I am well underway to making certain dreams come true. And for the first time I felt this communal sense of purpose and belonging. And pride in my work under my own directives.

But, the depression occasionally lingers…

After watching this: Youtube video (click YouTube Video to watch) it was if a lightbulb went off and I finally said YES, someone gets it!

“If you’re depressed, if you're anxious, you're not weak, you’re not crazy, your not a machine with broken parts, you’re a human being with unmet needs.”

So, I dug further and I found the Maslow Hierarchy of Needs. And sigh of relief…another ahha moment.

We have to begin to understand that we are all a very complex ecosystem in a sense. When everything aligns, life can be beautiful. But when something disrupts that, it is very easy to become depressed and suffer from anxiety. I will use myself in this example to better explain my quest.

In the top tier we have Self- Actualization. This is a place I believe I thrive in. When I can be creative, solve problems, and be spontaneous I am happy. Although there are areas I need to improve such as acceptance of facts (the loss of my son and no other children for example) is sometimes very difficult to come to terms with. In my previous career I was not thriving in this category and it left me yearning, numbing and searching for a higher purpose.

Next, the self-esteem section…bingo! Although I am respected by most and loved for what I do to contribute to the loss community, my self image and self esteem is still an ongoing effort. My need to feel wanted and loved is a work in progress.

And so on from there.

We have a responsibility to eachother to understand these fundamental principles. Understand that while many around us are hurting for very specific reasons. Self care is only going to go so far, numbing is only going to help us manage certain days. To live a more well rounded life we must get to the core of what it is that each of us is lacking.

We are hardwired to want acceptance, belonging, love, friendship, kindness, sustainability.

It’s time we cultivate that.